The Wonderful Pig
One day, a stranger walked into a farmer’s household. The farmer was glad to have a visitor and he introduced the stranger to his wife, four sons, and three daughters. He also introduced him to a three legged pig saying, “This pig is almost like family!” The stranger was intrigued by the statement and so he asked, “How is that?” The farmer replied, “One night a big storm broke while we slept and our home was flooded. This pig managed to carry all of us to higher ground, and that is why my family and I are alive today!” The stranger was impressed and so he asked, “Is that how he lost his leg?” The farmer replied, “No, but once, a gang of robbers tried to invade our farm, and single handedly the pig held them up at the bottom of the hill while we all ran for safety. We owe this pig our lives!” The stranger was even more impressed and he said, “That is how he must have lost his leg!” The farmer replied, “No, but just a few days ago our farm was on the brink of being auctioned, but the pig managed to bring home one hundred other pigs that we sold and got the money to pay off our debt. We owe this farm to the pig!” This time, the stranger was sure that the pig did not lose his leg during the farm saving escapade and so he asked in exasperation, “So, how did the pig lose his leg?!” And to that, the pig looked proudly at the pig while gently stroking his head and said, “A wonderful pig such as this one, you don’t eat at one go.”
There are people who are generally identified as “good” and who usually because of their “goodness” do not stand up for themselves or say “No” to unreasonable demands. Such a person will borrow money in order to lend to a friend, or will interrupt a whole day just to run an unimportant errand upon request. These people know that they should draw a line to their giving, and their inability makes them feel really bad. They feel angry at the people they serve but cannot tell them since it will contravene their “good” or “caring” nature, and so turn this anger against themselves. They feel like the pig in the story who gave so much to the farmer’s family, and ended up suffering slow excruciating pain for all the efforts. And similar to the pig in the story, the only person who seems aware of the pain is the one who is “good” and “caring”. The people that he or she cares for do not seem to even realize that their actions continue causing pain again and again. Are you always there for other people – calling them, visiting them, counseling them – and yet no one seems to have just a few minutes to assist you when you have a problem of your own?
A few days ago, I came across a book entitled “Codependent No More” By Melody Beattie. What caught my interest were the following questions written at the back cover:
- Have you become so absorbed in other people’s problems that you don’t have time to identify, or solve, your own?
- Do you care so deeply about other people that you’ve forgotten how to care for yourself?
- Do you need to control events and people around you because you feel everything around and inside you is out of control?
- Do you feel responsible for so much because the people around you feel responsible for so little?
The back cover continued to say:
“By its nature, alcoholism and other compulsive disorders create victims out of everyone close to the afflicted person. Whether the person you Love is an alcoholic, a gambler, a foodaholic, a sexaholic, a criminal, a rebellious teenager, or a neurotic parent, this book is for you – the codependent.”
According to Wikipedia:
“Symptoms of codependence are controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hyper-vigilance or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation.”
“Codependence can also be a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member’s alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, a family member’s chronic illness, or forces external to the family, such as poverty.”
“Codependency advocates claim that a codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person. An example would be a wife making excuses for her husband’s excessive drinking and perhaps running interference for him by calling in sick for him when he is hung over. Such behaviors, which may well lessen conflict and ease tension within the family in the short term, are counterproductive in the long term, since, in this case, the wife is actually supporting (“enabling”) the husband’s drinking behavior. So, sometimes, the codependent is referred to as an “enabler.” It is also worth noting that since the wife in this case is dependent on the husband’s alcoholic behavior, she may actually feel disturbed, disoriented or threatened if she sees clearly that he is emerging from his dependence; the threat to her position as a confidante and needed loved one might lead her unconsciously to resist the husband’s steps towards recovery. Similarly, a codependent parent might resist his or her child’s steps toward independence; whether early or late in life.”
“Codependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy. The codependent tries to control a relationship without directly identifying and addressing his or her own needs and desires. This invariably means that codependents set themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Codependents always feel that they are acting in another person’s best interest, making it difficult for them to see the controlling nature of their own behavior.”
“Individuals who are suffering from codependence may seek assistance through various therapies, sometimes accompanied by chemical therapy for accompanying depression. In addition, there exist support groups for codependency; some of these are Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Al-Anon/Alateen, Celebrate Recovery, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), which are based on the 12-Step model of Alcoholics Anonymous.”
Some people believe that codependency is not a negative trait, and does not need to be treated, as it is more likely a healthy personality trait taken to excess. These people argue that understanding codependency as a personality, and not as a disease or addiction, is the key to unlocking a person’s potential.
Whatever the opinion, whenever we give to, or care for, or share with, our objective should be to make better, alleviate pain, or ease suffering and not to transfer anguish or bitterness from other people and onto ourselves. So, if giving or caring for others is making you feel like they are eating you up limb by limb, maybe its time to examine the issue a bit more closely.